I thought I would get home after work today and relax in front of the TV. I turn the TV on and up pops a movie channel playing "The Babe". No biggie, my husband often watches movies. I pull up the TV guide and while I'm looking for a show to watch, Babe Ruth pulls up to his house and presents his wife with the baby girl he adopted for them. Ok, not really what I wanted to see after having a "depressed at my body" kind of day. I decide to watch Dr. 90210. And of course the first thing they show is a Dr. having dinner with his family and girlfriend and the family nonchalantly asks about if they will have kids... So, I think ok and continue to watch. But the next scene they decide to spotlight is the Dr who's wife is pregnant. Of course they interview her, and I change the channel. Thinking I'll watch Animal Planet, a documentary comes on about Cheetahs and leopards. Three strikes and I'm out. After 10 minutes or so, they show the mother cheetah with her cute baby cubs and they start talking about conceiving and giving birth and so on. Ok. What next. I switch to frickin' TLC and decide to watch "Who are you Wearing?" What could this show possibly have to do with kids you ask? The famous person who the designers are designing for is... you guessed it. Pregnant!
That's is FOUR TV shows I have tried to watch that ALL had to deal with babies. Are you kidding me! I'm now watching "Man vs Wild" on Discovery. So far so good. I'm just waiting though...
All this happened after I have basically written this cycle off. My temp after I got off work was still a little low for an evening temp (yes, you guessed it, I'm a temperature taking-aholic). And I have been feeling VERY frustrated with my body seeing as I don't think I will ever get pregnant until my body has gone back to normal. I cannot believe next month it will have been 6 months since my miscarriage. I keep going back and forth between just having fun and drinking and not worrying about possibly being pregnant and all those what if's. Chances are I'm not but I always hold onto that shred of hope. The unexpected has happened to others, why not me? Not that I really believe I would get that lucky that anything would happen, but still... Like I said, I will hold onto that smallest amount of hope that a miracle will happen.
Oh, well. I made my appointment next Wednesday at 1:30pm. The same nurse who I spoke with yesterday actually said I can still have the ultrasound with out having started my period. So here goes. At least I will feel like I'm getting somewhere. At the very least I will rule out what is not wrong with me. I am just starting to get really frustrated with my body. Why can it not go back to normal. I have not had a normal cycle since my miscarriage. Between spotting and late evaluations, I'm at a loss. So much for getting back to normal in 6 months. I'm an anomaly of nature. It took me 7.5 weeks to get my first Aunt Flo and it will probably take me 7.5 months for my body to get back to normal. Meaning no pregnancy before the end of 2008, like I was ultimately hoping. I just don't know what I can do to get motivated and hopeful again. Anytime I'm frustrated with my cycle and getting pregnant, my husband says I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe he is right. I'm just about to throw in the towel and have him take out the batteries of my thermometer, block fertility friend and go back on birth control... Well... maybe not. I need something to obsess over and I don't really like birth control! But seriously, what is the point of trying to conceive when nothing seems to work in my favor? I cannot ovulate on time and how will a baby be able to implant if the lining it is supposed to implant into sheds it self before it's time?
Off my soapbox now. 15 minutes later and still NO SIGN of babies mentioned in "Man vs Wild"! Finally! So, what do you think the TV is trying to tell me? Am I miraculously knocked up or are the TV gods trying to torture me?
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