I have to Believe...

I saw this blinkie on another nesties siggy and it really hit me. It's such a powerful word. There is so much I have to believe in right now, that I am really struggling with.


1. I have to believe... that my miscarriage happened for a reason and that some good will come out of it even if don't know what that will be yet. Incidental, I have thought about this in the past. Maybe, Jordan would have had to struggle his or her whole life. Maybe by loosing Jordan, it creates an opening for a new baby, who may not make a great impact as a child, but when he or she grows up will develop the cure for cancer or AIDS. Maybe he or she will become a preacher, maybe he or she will be a firefighter who save somebodies life and that person will go onto make a huge difference in the world. Maybe, it saved my life. Maybe had I not lost our baby, I would have been somewhere or someplace that would have caused me harm. It changed the path in my life. I would be traveling along a different "time continuum" (yes, I watch Back to the Future...), one that may have had a different out come in my life. I'm reading this book my mom gave me and the first chapter is how can there be a God when there is evil. Well, maybe God had a reason for my miscarriage. He is the only one who knows right now what the outcome of my suffering will be and where my path will lead me. I have to believe he will give me a child and I have to believe he won't make me wait too much longer (at least I hope so). I have to believe that he knows some good will come out of this and that he put me through this suffering for some reason. Right now that is my biggest struggle. Why? Why did this happen to me and why did I loose my baby? A question, I may never know the answer to. I just have to blindly believe there was a reason for it. Believe it, with out seeing a reason, and hope that one day that reason is apparent to me.


2. I have to believe... that I will get pregnant again. Another fear I am constantly facing as the six month mark post miscarriage looms closer. I fear I will never get pregnant again. Something I realize is an irrational fear. I got pregnant once and according to my new doctor, getting pregnant on your first month in not common and that I must be fertile. He has faith that I will get pregnant again, I just have to believe him. I will get pregnant again, I just don't know when, and I have to believe it will happen when my body is ready and when I am ready. I feel like I am emotionally ready, I just have to wait for my body to be.


3. I have to believe... my body will get back to normal and that my spotting will stop. I'm working towards eliminating any medical reasons for this. I have an ultrasound this afternoon to check for a polyp and hopefully they have my blood work results back. If everything comes back normal, I have to believe that it really is only my body getting back to normal and that in due time it will be back to normal.


I just have to believe things will work out in the end...