Last night when I picked up Kaylin from daycare the daycare lady said she lets her fall asleep with a blanket sometimes as well as her bib on. And that she like covering her face with her bib or blankie. She says she moves the blanket after she falls asleep and makes sure there is an air pocket between her face and her bib if she flips it up. I'm soooo not ok with that but didn't say anything because I didn't know if it was me just over reacting like I know I can. After I got home I asked my husband if I was crazy... he said absolutely not, you are her mother and have every right to ask her not to do something. My experiences have made me who I am and that is perfectly fine and I am well with in my right to ask her not to do that. Well this leads into him telling me he told the daycare lady I had a miscarriage. And I guess she had responded to him that that explains allot of how I am and how cautious I am. For whatever reason that really struck a nerve. Not in an irritated way, but I guess more just stung. I kind of always realized my parenting style probably had changed with my loss and the loss of my friends nephew but to hear somebody else say it just made it more real and it just stung. I HATE that these 2 events happened and I HATE that they have stolen my naivety away. Not that I would change my experiences per say because your experiences make you who you are, but I really wish I could get back the naivety of thinking nothing will go wrong and nothing bad will happen to me and think that it only happens to other people. I know that my loss effected the way I feel and reacted about my friends nephew. This sucks, this sucks, this sucks. And it just stings to hear somebody else say it.
Not to mention on a different note. I told the daycare lady this morning that it makes me nervous for her to sleep with a blanket or a bib and would rather her not. I told her I have a reason but didn't really want to say something in front of her 2 kids that were standing there. She looked really quite annoyed that I didn't want her to sleep with anything at all. After a few minutes her 1 kid walked away and the other was occupied with his book so I told her the reason I'm nervous was because my friends nephew died in a daycare which was ruled suffocation. I "think" she kind of changed her tune after that because you know when you are thinking about something and contemplating things you ask questions and try to rationalize...she was kind of doing that. Asking questions and then saying well that was wrong or the baby was younger etc. I do the dame thing when trying to rationalize something like that in your head. I just hope she doesn't think I am some crazy mom, but honestly had this not happened I probably would have trusted her judgement about the blanket because she has more experience and gone about my day without thinking twice about it. But now I just can't.
I was also thinking last night my loss has changed the way I feel about death. In the past I have always been able to rationalize the deaths I have experienced or heard about. The shootings downtown... I live in a safer area. The rapes... I always watch my back, she must not have been cautious enough. The death of my friend a few years ago... she was at a good point in her life, she was newly divorced and happy-despite her dying too young at least she was happy. My grandpa... unfortunately old people die and I will die too when I'm old. Things like that. You rationalize to protect yourself. But now... how do you rationalize your child dying? Can you rationalize that? Even if they are sick, you would ask yourself why my child. it's not fair for a child to have to go through a devastating sickness. You should only have to deal with that with age, with more experience. You know... But now, even with a healthy baby, I still feel like loss is hanging over my head. There is no real reason for who dies and who doesn't. That's the scary part. And I know I can't think about that because I would drive myself nuts. I lost one baby, those things you think will never happen to you or anybody you know, happened to me. And they have sculpted the way I feel about loosing somebody. It doesn't help either that death has been the one thing I have always been afraid of. Even as a child I would lay in bed scared that somebody was hiding in your attic. I would lay in bay rationalizing that nobody would want to kill me or hurt me because it was near Christmas or it was the summer or it was Easter, so on and so forth. I have always been scared of being killed, murdered. And that is the route of my anxiety. To have a loss hanging over my head, that you just never know what is going to happen, that anybody at anytime can be taken away from you and you have absolutely no control over it...
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