I found out we lost our baby. I can honestly say, to date, it was the worst day of my life. I remember it so well. There is only one other day I remember so clearly and that was the day I found out Stef passed away.
I remember waking up when my husband got up for work, falling back asleep and waking up again when it was time. I remember getting a phone call from work asking if I wanted to go to the baseball game and thinking the day would be perfect. I would have my appointment and get to see our baby for the first time than get to skip work to go to the game with some other lucky coworkers. I remember stopping by the bank to get money for the game and talking to my husband on the way there. Him being mad that I was running late because it was such an important appointment. I remember the sunny day and nice warm weather we had while I was driving to the appointment. I remember waiting anxiously and impatiently in the waiting room to be taken back to the ultrasound. I remember the tech placing the probe on my belly, not seeing much and asking if I thought my dates were off. I so confidently said yes and she pulled out the vaginal probe. I remember her saying it was my right ovary that got me pregnant and showing us my cervix and the placenta. I remember her showing us the baby and thinking that is not at all what he or she should be looking like for 9 weeks, becoming nervous because I couldn't see a heartbeat. Knowing full well that I should have seen something flickering. I remember looking at the screen as she measured the baby and seeing the date measurement of 6weeks 4 days just a split second before the tech said the bad news. I remember her saying there is no blood flow to the placenta or baby and that everything was starting to dissolve by the fuzzy look of the amniotic fluid. I remember her saying that the Dr had come back from her delivery and that she will be wanting to speak to me. I remember waiting until the tech left to start crying and than crying in the Dr's office as she was telling us our options. I remember I was sitting on the left of my husband and her dark wood desk. I was insistent that I have a D&C as soon as possible because I made me sick to think I had been carrying around a dead baby for 2 weeks with out knowing it. I remember the Dr and my husband telling me maybe I should wait to make the decision, but being insistent. I remember leaving her office and riding down the elevator to my car in tears. I remember calling my mom when I got into my car and how her excitement turned to tears when I told her. I remember calling work and calling another friend. I remember how sunny it was as I was driving home and wondering how it could be such a nice day today. Wishing it was cloudy or rainy. Thinking of the song from "Ernest Goes to Camp". Gee I'm Glad It's Raining. Thinking how the rain would hide my pain.
I remember it all, just like it was yesterday.
Jordan, Mommy loves you. For what you brought to our lives. I know you are up there with Stef and your Great-Grandpa. You should feel special because you are the first great-grandchild to meet your Great-Grandpa. And I know you are both up there looking down and at us and you will be a wonderful guardian angel to your little sister, Kaylin.
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