Jordan

Let me start off by saying that after my great, positive weekend, I came back to work on Monday and it all went down hill from there. I have taken over Team Pee Stick for those on the Trying to Conceive After a Loss board on the Nest and after not being on the Nest all weekend, came back to tons of people (or at least that's what it felt like) being pregnant. And to top it off, most of them have been trying for a less amount of time post miscarriage. That was Monday. On Tuesday, I decided to go visit Success after a Loss, since visiting them typically gives me hope, but I saw a post on there about how long after your miscarriage did it take you to get pregnant again. 10 out of 15 people were pregnant again with in 3 or 4 cycles! I am in the middle of our fourth cycle post miscarriage (third cycle of trying). That just depressed me even more. On top of this, last night I had TWO dreams where an old coworker was pregnant and one where my MOM was pregnant. Gross, and she can't get pregnant again since my dad has, uh, for lack of a better word, been fixed.

I know it is different for everybody, but right now it is just depressing me.

I had my second meeting with the therapist yesterday. I think it went well. There definitely were some times she would ask how do you feel about that, and I honesty could not tell her. I hate those kinds of questions even though I know that is her job. But when what she is bringing up, I have never really thought about, how the heck am I supposed to answer her! And since Mark is coming to my next visit, I am nervous about it. I want him to understand me and that everybody grieves differently, but I hope he is open to it. I just want to come to an understanding and to accept that each feels and thinks differently. But we have to at least understand each other and be there for each other even if we don't agree with what the other person feels or thinks.

There were two things last night that the therapist brought up that really made me cry. Two things that I, incidentally, have thought allot about lately and over the course of the last few months.

She brought up how comforting it would be to her to know her baby would be in heaven with Jesus and she would picture him holding the baby in his hands. I have never really thought that, but I have always felt comfort in knowing Stef is up there looking after my baby. Everytime I hear her song, "Who You'd Be Today", I think of the verse "I wonder what you would name your babies". Well, now I know. Her baby would be my baby and her babies name would be Jordan.

Jordan.

That is what I have decided to name our baby. This is the second thing the therapist brought up last night that made me cry. Asking if I had ever thought about naming our baby. When I first found out we had lost our baby, there was a post on the Nest asking what others have done to remember their baby. Some had said they named him or her, some said they got a mothers bracelet, some said they planted a tree or purchased a garden stone. I thought that was all really silly. But as time passed, I thought about it more and more. I didn't know the sex of our baby, how was I supposed to name him or her? But I still thought up some unisex names. I tossed some around in my head that I had heard before, but I didn't really like any of them. A few weeks ago, driving in the car to work, I was thinking of names again and remembered a girl I went to junior high with who's name was Jordan. Hmm, that could be a pretty name for a girl and it could be a masculine name for a boy. But than it occurred to me, didn't John the Baptist have something to do with the Jordan river? Now the name took on more of a meaning. Since I am not a very religious person, I had to go look it up to be sure, and sure enough the Jordan River played a VERY significant part in the Bible. According to one website, it is one of the most world-famous places in the Bible being mentioned 175 times in the Old Testament and 15 in the New Testament. It is where John the Baptist baptised Jesus and proclaimed him the Lamb of God (John 1:29-1:36). After reading the significance, that sealed the deal. That would be my baby's name.

Jordan