To make a long story short, I have been at odds with my husband for the last few months. And we had another argument about it this morning.
About a month ago, I was at a friends house. We were having dinner with them, another couple and a single girl. After a glass of wine, I found out the single girls sister was pregnant. No big deal until I heard she was 5 months. Which is what I should have been the week before. I was upset, but tried to keep it to myself. After I continued drinking and several people asking if I was ok, I finally broke down and went into a crying fit. Apparently I said some things that had hurt our other friends feelings. It turned into this big argument between my husband and I that I tried to ignore for a week. I was able to, and finally thought it was all over until a week later when our friend told my husband what I had said. I was trying to get my friend to understand where I was coming from and said me loosing my baby would be like you loosing her 5 month old daughter. Just so she would hopefully understand where I was coming from and why I was still upset, 3 months later. I don't want anything to happen to her baby, but I was trying to get her to understand that what I lost was a baby and not just a bunch of cells or something. My husband was appalled and we wound up having an argument and a discussion. There was so much more that has gone on before all this that I kept to myself and so much more to what happened that night, but it would be impossible (an quite lengthy) to hash it all out again.
Needless to say, by my expressing myself about how I feel, my husband thinks I am being selfish and all about me. Him and our other friend don't think I am moving on fast enough and he thinks I need to let it go, etc. Needless to say what he said hurt my feeling and I felt he was more concerned I hurt 2 of our friends feelings than the fact I was upset. Even after telling him this he still says he is giving me tough love and that sometimes I need to hear thinks like that. I brushed it off and made a vow to myself I wouldn't talk about anything to him or how I was feeling about things related to our miscarriage and that I wouldn't bring up anything miscarriage, TTC or menstrual related with out other friend. I didn't want a big blow out to occur and I didn't want my feeling hurt by 2 people I really care about.
I confided my hurt and frustrations to several different people as well as those on the Nest. ALL might I add, understand where I am coming from and do not see anything wrong with what I am thinking or feeling, etc. Every time I would say something about anothers pregnancy or feel sad over a milestone I should have reached, if I said anything to my husband he would just respond with I cannot deal with this right now or say Dawn in a warning tone of voice implying don't say what I think you're going to say. Since those were the responses I continually received, I pretty much have kept all my thoughts and feelings to myself this past month.
Well, last night my husband asked how my day was at the craft fair with my friend and her family. I told him I had fun and that I saw some things I would have liked to have gotten once we have a family and that I was sad that I should have been able to get a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament with my friend. Had I not had a miscarriage our babies would have shared their first Christmas together. His response was it's not all about you and you need to be happy for other people. He doesn't understand that I can be happy for them and still be sad for myself. He still thinks I am being selfish making everything into poor, sad me.
Visiting my friends baby in the hospital a few days ago was kind of difficult for me, and because of his reactions I had to hold onto that burden myself. It hurt. All I wanted was a hug, some love an understanding. I didn't feel if I confided in my husband that I would have gotten that. Honestly, I think I did a fantastic job at holding myself together the last few days, and even managed to stay optimistic that I will get pregnant again someday even when AF came for a visit the day of her C-Section. I was really quite proud of myself that I only shed a few tears and wasn't really that upset when I was actually there visiting, despite my nervousness beforehand about it.
Last night after we got home from our friends house, I tried to talk to him about how all I need is his support and I want to be able to confide in him with out being judged. That him thinking I am selfish is hurtful and that I really don't think I am selfish. If I was selfish I wouldn't have gone to visit my friend or her new baby. I told him how I had felt and that I didn't feel like I could confide in him. Needless to say, I wasted my breath. Everything I tried to covey bounced off his thick skill. He still thinks I am selfish when I make comments about how that should have been me, etc. He says that there is allot worse things that could happen (He had gone to a fundraiser golf tournament yesterday) and that he saw a 13 year old boy that probably wouldn't make it to his 14th birthday and that his childhood friend who contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion died in his early teens. He says at least we will get the chance to make another baby. While both of those things are horrible and sad, he doesn't understand I still need to grieve. I need to geive at my own pace and in my own way. Be it different than the way he greives. He thinks I need to move on and I believe he thinks I should be well past all the sad thoughts. From the books I read and from talking with others on the Nest who have gone through the same thing, I am normal and it is normal to feel and think those things. As long as the sad days become less and less. And they are. It has been a month since I have really cried and I feel as if I have been doing so much better.
I pretty much gave up drinking after my breakdown last month and he brought that up too. He says I am not the same, fun person anymore and that I cannot even drink anymore because I don't know if I will get upset or not. I gave up drinking because I don't want another blowup like what happened in July and I don't censor my mouth as well when I am drunk. I let my guard down after I have been drinking I am I am afraid I will say something that will cause more drama. I don't want to talk about anything with my friends anymore because I always seem to get upset by what they say or vice versa.
Several hours later, I am still upset and have been giving him the cold shoulder all day. He still doesn't get it and it still hurts. I feel like I wasted my breath talking to him this morning and finally realized my feeling about him and his comments are affecting our relationship. Since ovulation, we have not had sex nor have I been remotely in the mood to have sex. And for the last 2 months, I have had to make myself become horny just to have sex around ovulation time. Thinking about it, the hurt my husband caused is probably what is causing my lack of intimacy desires. It hurts. I feel myself building a brick wall up around him and my friend so I don't get hurt again. I'm at a loss and just want to be able to confide in my husband at the very least. I am really contemplating seeing a therapist who specializes in miscarriages (something that my husband and friend want me to do anyway), but not because I need help moving on, but because my husbands reaction to it is REALLY bothering me.
All I can say is it just hurts that he thinks my grieving is being selfish. How am I supposed to move on with an attitude like that. It hurts he doesn't understand. There is so much I feel like I am leaving out.
I'm sorry this has been such a long post and thanks for reading if you even got this far. And I hope it all makes some sense.
No comments:
Post a Comment