My loss just keeps coming back, like an eerie ghost. My sister called to tell me she was pregnant. Yay! Kaylin and Hannah will finally have a cousin, even if he or she will live out of state. The ghost, well it's in the form of fear, uncertainty and rationalization. When I called my parents after I talked to my sister, my dad's words were "Kaylin and Hannah SHOULD have a cousin soon". Yes, he said should. It breaks my heart that my loss has brought fear and uncertainty into my family. They can no longer just be happy and naive when they hear they are having another grandchild or a baby themselves. They have that fear as well that things may not turn out the way you want them too. My dad also mentioned my sister was nervous. Nerves are normal, but I am sure my loss is weighing heavily in the back of her mind. My mom swears that my miscarriage was because I got pregnant my first cycle off the pill. I can't stand when people tell me that! I realize it's each person rationalizing and convincing themselves it won't happen again. I do the same in other situations. I had to remind my mom there are people who get pregnant ON the pill. I would have understood a chemical pregnancy being rationalized that way since the embryo could have just not attached properly or I had a poor lining, but this baby obviously had something wrong with it that it passed around the time the heart was forming. I think he or she had some sort of heart defect or neural tube defect that was not life sustainable. That would not be caused by a pill.
The kicker... my sister said according to the online due date calculators, her due date would be January 24th. My moms birthday. Jordan's due date, according to my last AF (which I know better... I ovulated later then that) was Nov 12th. My sisters birthday. I just hate that there is that similarity. Makes me uneasy :( Nothing may go wrong, but I just don't like the similarity.
It's hard to believe it's been 3 years and it just plain stinks that the fear keeps coming back, but yet I know it will never go away.
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