Paranoia

I have always been a paranoid person. I worry somebody is going to hurt me, worry I will get some disease and die, worry, worry, worry. One thing I always tend to worry about is getting skin cancer. My dad had it when I was around 5 years old. He caught it really early, had it removed and thankfully, has had no problems since. Because of his cancer, i have always been scared I will get it too, and rightfully so as those whose direct family have had it increases your risk. I am always checking out my moles and like most times, there are a few I am concerned about. This really is nothing new to me. I always find some to worry about.

In the last 1 to 1.5 weeks I have heard 4-5 stories online or word of mouth about somebody dieing or finding they have a melanoma. Talk about freaky. I feel like it is a sign telling me to go get checked out. That being said though... I had that post when I was trying for Kaylin about a sign or the TV gods torturing me... I was wondering if that was a sign I was pregnant, but indeed I was not. So all these things could be a coincidence, but it is freaking me out none the less. And of course, my husband thinks I am nuts because he knows I am constantly worried and asking if a specific mole looks normal. Thinks I am overreacting like "always". Even if my husband thinks I am nuts, I think I will call Monday for an appointment. I need some peace of mind.

Now because I am paranoid something is wrong... I got thinking about dieing. Yes, morbid. But it scares me to absolute no end to die and leave Kaylin behind with out a mother. It makes me sick to my stomach :( I hate the thought she wouldn't know me, I hate the thought that I would not get to see her grow up. It is one thing to loose a spouse. In a way they are replaceable. People get divorced all the time and the old one is replaced by a new one... your mom is your mom. Nothing will and can ever change that. If I am gone, I am gone. I am Kaylin's mom and even if my husband would get remarried, the new lady would be a mom in essence, but she would not be "her" mom. It sucks. I hate I worry and I hate I worry about things I can't change.

Who knew I could love somebody so much :) God I love her to pieces :)