Stupid, Stupid, Stupid Me

I was procrastinating working at work today and found a blog with stories of full term baby losses. Stupid, stupid me winds up reading their stories. Even thought I said to myself that I should just stop now, I continued reading. WHY do I do that to myself! why? Why? WHY? Aaarrgghhh!!!!!

Must go back to happy, peaceful mode of thinking that if something happens to Kaylin I should buy a lottery ticket... Because there is a GREAT chance she will be born healthy, LIVING and full term! Must go back... Must keep saying to myself that the chance something bad will happen is not very high.

Internet=Bad. So, maybe if I write this down I will follow through. From here on out:

• I will NOT read depressing blogs. If I start to read a new blog or a depressing post I will stop immediately and NOT continue reading even if I am curious what they have to say or curious to find out what happened or why somebody lost their baby.
• If I see a depressing post on my boards I will not open it (this does not include early miscarriage posts because those ladies need support.)
• I will not google, yahoo search or any other type of search to find out bad things that can happen.
• If I accidentally read a post that has some sort of complication named in it, I WILL not google, yahoo search or any other search to learn more about the complication.
• I will not search out new blogs nor will I click on other blogs from links listed in the blogs I currently read. You never know what a new blog will bring...
• I will "try" to cut back on my posting boards. Period. At any point during the day.
• Every time I start some new project, like making her stocking or think about how I will paint her toy box, I always think maybe I shouldn't personalize it because what if something should happen. That thought is always in the back of my mind. I will do my darnedest to move forward BELIEVING nothing will happen to her and to do whatever my little heart desires when it comes to decorating because I WILL NOT loose her! I will do my very best to eliminate any doubt I have that something will happen to her. She WILL be born healthy and living and full term.

I hope this works. The last few days I have felt like I really haven't been able to or let myself enjoy this pregnancy. It sucks and I really want to be able to enjoy the last 7 weeks I have with her all to myself before I have to share her with everybody. There is a song out now that says "It's won't be like this for long" and it's sooo true. I don't have that much longer with Kaylin. And once it's gone I can't get it back. I read a post that somebody wrote about a story or poem or something that pretty much says that. That you have to enjoy each moment for what it is because I can't get this back and I will never be pregnant with Kaylin again. And now I feel like I missed out on it. So, like I said, I need to really enjoy the last 7 weeks I have. Feeling her move, the aches and pains and everything because once she is born, that's it. "It Won't Be Like this for Long"