Surreal

I still feel like this pregnancy is surreal. I mentioned something to my husband tonight and he feels the same way. I feel like I have had my head in the clouds since I found out. This is totally different then when I found out with Kaylin. I was connected right away and it was very much real. Probably because we tried for 6 months post miscarriage and with this one we were not really trying. I just don't think it has fully set in yet and other than a few "symptoms" I don't feel different. I am pouchier and need maternity pants to be really comfy now, but even wearing maternity pants seams like I am jumping the gun... I just don't feel pregnant and feel silly wearing maternity pants! It's kind of weird. I just hope once my belly really starts to pop out and or I feel the baby moving, that it finally sinks in.

I do have moments when I am really looking forward to feeling movement and meeting the baby and having the baby sleep on my chest and having Kaylin meet her younger brother or sister and just experiencing the newborn stage again. but when somebody asks if I am excited I really don't know what to say. We are I guess, but with my husband being stressed about money and me being stressed about my leave it is hard to look past that and get excited :( We are, and I AM looking forward to it and my husband showed genuine excitement when we had the ultrasound. There are just things over shadowing it and that sucks. I just can't wait for the reality to set in. I want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy because I do not feel like I was able enjoy Kaylins because it was over shadowed with worry.

And really, don't get me started on my maternity leave! This new company I am at is worse then the other place I was at. My whole leave is riding on my Dr writing me a note to be out longer than 6 weeks. Talk about stress because he wouldn't just do it with Kaylin. I HAVE to convince him that I have mental issues surrounding going back to work too early. I had issues accepting Kaylin had to go to daycare on and off for 10 months... and really think I had bouts of depression. Thankfully the bouts didn't last long, but still, hopefully it is enough for me to convince my Dr he needs to write a note for my sanity :)