Acceptance

This weekend I was talking to the friend who lost her nephew as well as another friend, a nurse. We were talking about grief and the stages of grief were brought up because her sister is in her angry phase. And I realized, sometime in the past month, month and a half I think I have finally hit my acceptance phase. Yes, 1 and a half years later. October 17th marked the 18 month anniversary of finding out about our loss. It took trying to conceive again, getting pregnant, my pregnancy, birth and life with a new baby to finally accept what happened. There were many, many times after Kaylin arrived I would be driving down the road thinking about the what if's, and the what would I change if I could's, and the how would things be different's, but in the end I could not come up with an answer. I can't change what happened. I kept asking myself if I had the choice of not having a miscarriage, would I take that opportunity? I was so torn. On one hand, it was absolutely horrible and the darkest, worst time in my life, but if I were to go back and change that I wouldn't have the wonderful daughter I have now. So there really was and still is no real answer to any of those questions. After several months of this, I guess I finally decided that I can't change anything and there is no reason for me to go through those what if's, would I change things anymore. They are the way they are. I have learned so much from my loss, I have met people who are great friends who I would have never met had I not had my loss, I really, honestly feel like I appreciate Kaylin more so since I had a loss. My loss is a part of me and has shaped who I have become. I'm sure there was a reason for my loss. Is Kaylin going to find the cure to cancer or AIDS, am I going to be able to help somebody through their losses, was I meant to help my friend through the loss of her nephew? I really think we have connected on a new level. Even though our experiences are not the same, there are certain things that are and there are certain things I can relate to her where others cannot. I really think that has helped her realize what she is feeling is completely normal.

So, yes, I have had a miscarriage, but it does not define and encompass who I am now, but it is a part of me and who I have become. Remember that old saying, what doesn't kill you only makes your stronger... Well, I feel like I am a stronger person now. The last month I have stuck up for myself and done things that I am proud of that I would have never had the balls to do in the past. I don't know if this is part of my acceptance or if it is a coincidence or if it is part of being a new mom... but either way you look at it, I have accepted what has happened.