Feeling Down

Despite that I am trying to be positive and keep telling myself I will get pregnant and it could happen this cycle, there are some things that have been on my mind and bothering me.

1. Over the weekend at our float trip, any time I would hear our friends talking about how they missed their kids, it hurt. Really, anytime I hear somebody talking about their child or their pregnancy it hurts. I know with time the pain will go away, but right now I really don't want to have to listen to it. And unfortunately, sometimes it is just not that easy to just get up and walk away. My pregnant friend and coworker will often talk in the hall to other employees about her baby, and I cannot get up and walk out of my office every time I have to listen to it. It is also just not fair to ask them to not talk about anything baby related in front of me. I don't want lessen their excitement, because when (and noticed I said when) I get pregnant again I won't want to sensor myself. So I cannot ask them to do that. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

2. Anytime my husband talks about how much he can't wait for me to get pregnant, how much he cares for our friends baby, or anytime I see him interacting with a child, it hurts. I feel like I cannot give him what he wants. I know it is not my fault, but deep down I blame myself and my body. There really is just no other way to describe how I feel. He should be able to be saying how much he cares for his own child and have fun playing with his own child, not somebody elses. I know someday he will be able to, but right now it just hurts.

3. To top it all off, like I said before, I just feel like this is all my bodies fault. I feel like it just keeps betraying me. It didn't tell me our baby miscarried, made me smell things I don't typically smell last cycle, and is so F'd up right now that I spotted for 3 days before AF started. Now I worry that something is wrong since I have NEVER spotted like that before. Never, not before birth control and not on birth control. I guess on an up side, last cycle was back to my pre-birth control length of 32 days. I just hope that trend continues. But with the luck I have been having, who knows...


I randomly came across this Mayo Clinic article while I was searching Google, and I think it really fits and explains a lot. I wish everybody could read this who has not had a miscarriage, to try to understand what we have all gone through and what we are thinking.

"Almost 25 percent of all pregnancies are lost to miscarriage, for many reasons. I'm not going to go through them here. What I want to talk about is what happens to those 25 out of 100 women who lose their baby.

When we discover that we are pregnant, we don't think of zygotes, embryos or fetuses. We think of babies. We think of sons and daughters. We start planning the minute we know we're pregnant. So when a woman miscarries she loses a baby. It doesn't matter if she is 7 weeks or 15 weeks.

The feeling of loss is real and it is painful. Some women feel guilty. If they hadn't done this or that the baby wouldn't have died. Maybe they weren't real excited when they first found out, but became accustomed and more positive. She can feel that it is punishment for her initial negative feeling. We need to let go of that guilt.

Whether or not the pregnancy is going to make it is determined in many ways the minute the sperm and egg unite. There is little a woman can do to cause a miscarriage. It happens because it was meant to. That doesn't make the pain any less.

People will often say things that are hurtful without meaning to. "Thank goodness you weren't further along." "You're young, you can have another." Things to that effect. Then there are the people who won't talk to you about it because they don't know what to say. You know women who are due when you would be due. You see baby clothes you would have bought. Your due date comes and you cry through the whole day, in private, in silence.

It is only after you have a miscarriage that you find out how many other women have suffered a miscarriage. We just don't talk about it with anyone. This is when the silence can end. These women know your sorrow, your loss. Talk to women who know your sorrow and loss, and share your feelings. You can do it here, or on other sites just for women who have lost babies. You will find a community of women who understand. "


Someday I will get pregnant and someday I will be able to hold my baby. But until than I just need to try and stay positive. And believe that it will happen for us!