Confused...

With me and my husband. And it all centers around trying to conceive and baby fever.

I guess I should start with my husband. I can't figure him out. Still. Every time it is mentioned he said he is happy with Kaylin and he is happy with where we are at and doesn't know if he wants a second child. Even this weekend when I was talking to a friend about it saying that the way I will get a second one is an oopsie, because with my husbands track record he is bound to fail our birth control at some point during ovulation time. Right now we are playing Russian Roulette, having gotten lucky that every time he has "forgotten" to pull it has not been around O time. We have come reeeaaalllyyy close. Like 1 day after I happened to O last cycle. So in reality it is just a matter of time. How long that time is, who knows. BUT, despite what he says every time trying for another kid comes up and he turns it down, he still confused me. A few weeks ago i had to turn in my insurance paperwork for my new job. I asked if he wanted me to stay on his insurance or if I should get my own. He says let me look at the info and then says you need to get short term disability if we have more kids! (or something along those lines...) What the heck!!!! He than proceeds to say before you sign up you need to find out what the MATERNITY POLICY is at your work???!!!! WHAT THE HECK! Talk about conflicting things. Hey lets get STD and talk about maternity leave but continue to say you don't want more kids right now and you are not sure if you want any more. Seriously?! And then... when I was filling out the actual paper work, asked if I should get the long term disability buy up plan as well as life insurance through them and I SWEAR his response was "I don't think you will be there long." I didn't ask but it could only mean one of three things: 1) he thinks we will have more kids and I won't work after the 2nd child, 2) he thinks my photo business could actually work (but with all he complains about it I think he secretly hopes it won't, but I guess you never know...) and 3) I will find a different job because I don't like working there all that much (but we have never discussed this and I don't have plans of looking for a new job anytime soon and frankly hope to get promoted or moved around to a different position with time.) I am leaning more towards the first two being what he was thinking, but then again it was such a strange comment I started to think I mis-heard him and maybe he said you wouldn't be off long... but than it brings us back to me being OFF. ie: for a maternity leave. I swear thought, he said the first and the 2nd wouldn't make sense since he was talking about life insurance as well as LTD. Like I said I am so confused. I am trying hard not to read too much into it but it is hard not to. It just confused me and contradicts anything he says in front of friends or to me when the subject is brought up.

Now, on to me. I have been doing Kaylins scrapbook and have really started to miss the tiny little newborn and being pregnant. I can't tell if it is me just being all mushy since it is coming up to her 1 year birthday or if baby fever is slowly trying to creep it's way in. There have been a few other incidents on my posting boards where I saw a newborn picture and felt like I wanted that again or read a post about somebody being tired or something and thinking I MISSED that?! and want to be pregnant again and have another baby. Oh, and I really had the itching to hold a newborn when one was brought up to work last week. I will have to see if this is something that continues after I am done with her scrapbook and after her first birthday. On the flip side, I was out in the heat this weekend and saw a very pregnant lady and thought that was something I really did not miss at all about being pregnant. Heat and a big belly was so uncomfortable and it sucked. That and I have been thinking, it would be nice to get this photo business off the ground and I would hope that I would be able to make enough that I could quit my full time job and replace my salary with photography with in the next year to year and a half. It would be so much easier to focus on this with out having to worry about another child. That and we would be able to afford another child if I was able to stay home most of the time and do the photography full time. At that time Kaylin would be in preschool and I could schedule session during those days and work on editing while she is at school. That and it occurred to me that her in preschool would make resting after a new baby is born a whole heck of allot easier! So I am seriously considering that may be the best option , to try for #2 the end of next year. Kaylin would be 2.5 and by the time #2 came along she would be enrolled in fall preschool. That timing would coincide with my photography goals as well.

Not sure how I can miss all that and be practical at the same time. Its almost like my heart is telling me one thing and my mind is being practical and telling me another. I guess we shall see what time will tell.