Feeling Down

This really isn't baby related or loss related, it's just more of me needing to get this out. For the last few weeks I ave been having work issues that started with being written up for being late since I came back from maternity leave. There is w whole bunch to it, but I felt like I was not treated fairly and that the CFO of the company really screwed me over, along with my manager and the HR lady. I was upset for quite a few days and tried my hardest to not talk with either of them but when i did I was short with them. Apparently the HR lady thought I was being downright rude and along with lack of communication in the company and 2 "bosses" telling me different things, etc and so on I sent out a product I should not have. Thus I was written up again. There is just soooo much more to this, but it is way to complex to write out.

After the first write up I looked and applied to several jobs as well as had an interview with a company who's president knows my father in law. Unfortunately my interview was 2 days after the first write up and I was still very upset about it and I think my down attitude may have shown through in the interview a little. Not the best timing :(. I had not applied to more jobs after that one initial day and then was written up again. My husband was upset with me that I stopped looking, so I applied to quite a few more (still no responses form ANY of them, 4-5 days later). He is upset that I don't put half the energy into a career that would actually make us money and not all these little things I try doing like a photo business, a cake business, Avon, etc. Problem is I enjoy doing those things. I want to work for a company I like, doing something I like. And the company I work for now is just horrible. He's upset with me, I'm just upset, period. My job has always been a sore subject in our house. I don't make enough, I don't try hard enough, I'm not proactive enough, etc. And what my husband says only makes me feel worse. I all ready don't feel like I qualify for any jobs that make more than what I do now. I don't feel like I can go anywhere. Like I said I want to work for someplace that sounds fun and a great company. Not to mention, the interviews that I do get, I suck at interviewing. I don't coma across as confident, I don't come across as a strong person. I ask shy and I'm sure the questions I am asked I don't answer the way I "should" by their standards. It sucks. Talk about a downer. I don't have confidence in myself or what I can do. I guess I under estimate myself. But ever since I was in high school I have always had a low paying job, a job cleaning up dog shit, a job that requires, holidays, weekends or nights. Even in collage when I would tell my sorority sisters that I could afford something or that I couldn't get the time off to do something, they never understood. I was only working part time with school and making a little over $7. Most everybody else was making more and just couldn't understand. My sister who has a 2 year degree as consistently made more then I have with a 4 year degree. I feel like I wasted time and money in collage because I don't feel like it has gotten me anywhere. Thus, the sore subject with my husband. My whole professional career I have not felt like I have achieved anything or done anything or accomplished anything. How's that going to make you feel? I know this is just a mumbo jumbo of feeling and I'm pretty sure this whole post doesn't make sense and I know I'm not wording it all right... I guess I just feel down about myself, that I'm just not good enough. The only thing I feel like I am doing right, right now is caring for Kaylin. My husband's disappointed in me, my work thinks I suck and apparently I'm not worth calling for an interview or hiring.