Fears

I really don't know what to think. Are these fears normal or are they exaggerated because of my loss and of my friends nephews death? I can honestly say that I love Kaylin more than I have ever loved anybody (sorry my dear husband...), but there is something different about the love for a child. I can't imagine anything happening to her and every time I hear about a late pregnancy loss or something happening to another child I just feel sick and upset and so scared to loose Kaylin. It's the fear of loosing her I can't decide if it is normal or not. Like I said I have never loved somebody as much as I do Kaylin and maybe that is a fear that just comes along with the territory. But new fears tend to bring on new anxiety's for me, so sometimes it is hard to tell if my anxiety is making more out of it than what it really is.

I do know that my other friend was scared about SIDS and every time we were outside and her baby was sleeping in the bassinet in their living room, every time somebody would walk in the house she would ask if she was breathing. So I know some fear is normal and maybe I'm just not used to it yet. She has also told me in the past that one fear turns into new fears as they get older. So I don't know. I would just like to know how I would feel without having to have gone through my loss and the loss of my friends nephew. I have decided that his death has really impacted me. And I think about him often even though I never actually got to meet him and I think about her sister and what she must be going through. Because she found out he passed when she went to pick him up from daycare, I always have this voice in my head worrying about when my husband goes to pick up Kaylin. Will I get a horrible phone call? Or if somebody asks something about her and daycare or something along those lines, I can't tell you how many times I have thought everything is ok as long as she is alive when we go to pick her up. I just want her to be alive. It is amazing how things will impact your life. And I still have to wonder why things happen to one person and not another. Like my friends sister. She does NOT deserve what she has been through...from almost loosing her first son in the womb from a stroke or something, to her second son dying from SIDS to a miscarriage after her sons death. Who the heck deserves that? And why her? Not that I wish something bad on others but why doesn't pregnancy loss happen to somebody who doesn't want a child? Why are they not the ones to have the miscarriages? (Just to clarify-I am not talking about children who have been born, alive and healthy. I wish no bad things for any child. It is not their fault they have a drug addicted parent who doesn't want children etc. Those kids all deserve a chance to grown and live and be better people than their parents). Like I had a friend in college who miscarried the day before she was going to go in for an abortion. As sad as a miscarriage was, I was thankfully glad that it happened so down the road she would not regret what she was about to do. Why don't losses happen more in those circumstances instead of to those who actually want a child?

Infant and pregnancy loss sucks balls.