Oh, The Nerves

I'm having a hard time today. I am just so very nervous I will have another missed miscarriage and that when I go in for our next ultrasound in two weeks we won't see a heartbeat. I have so many thoughts running through my head. What if I had this first ultrasound too early and the heartbeat will stop. Since I don't know when the heartbeat stopped or if it ever had a heartbeat last time, I don't know, I just don't know. I never had my beta's drawn the first time either, so I just don't know how these numbers compare with the last time. They could have been low or not doubled or they could have been normal. Who knows. There could have been a heartbeat at 6 weeks, was it slow, was it irregular, or was there even a beat? I have nothing to compare this too, to tell me if it is going better than the first time. Obviously it is going better, by looking at it as an individual pregnancy. My numbers were fantastic and we saw a nice heartbeat 2 days ago. But, since I had a miscarriage the first time, I cannot help but worry.

My husband doesn't quite get it. Since Tuesday, he is always saying hows my momma with a heartbeat, or similar comments. I finally asked him last night if he was excited and that is why he was making those comments. Of course, he said yes! But when I expressed my nerves this morning to him he insists on saying we saw the heartbeat and nothing will happen. I just with I had even an ounce of his positivity. Even after I tried to explain to him that the heart can stop and things can still happen, he was insistent that everything would be fine and sounded almost annoyed that I was being negative. I guess what gets under my skin is that he does not know everything will be fine with this pregnancy. He said that with the last one too, and look what happened. You just don't know. He doesn't know. But, like I said if I could have a tiny bit of his positivity, I would take it. November 26th can not come soon enough. I just want to see a heartbeat again. Once I hit that point I'll be almost 9 weeks. By the time I get back from visiting my parents at Thanksgiving, I'll be 9 weeks and 2 days. I can order my doppler and will hopefully be able to hear the heartbeat my self soon afterwards. If I can just get through the next 2 weeks...

On a different note, I found out last night that my cousin's wife is pregnant. She is due the end of May, so our babies will be 3 to 4 weeks apart! They live in New York though, so no play dates. I just hope and pray that both our pregnancies progress the way they should and that we both end up with healthy, happy babies in 7 to 8 months.