I used to pray every night that I only wanted to get pregnant if the baby would be ok and if I would live and have no complications from pregnancy or birth. I have since added to that, that if we are not supposed to have a 3rd that I will find acceptance quickly.
Its hard. Everywhere I turn there are reminders that I am not pregnant yet. The girls school where I started working is loaded with pregnant moms and the teacher I work with seems to point specific ones out to me that she knows. I don't know her well enough to ask her to stop, so I just grin and bear it. But its getting harder and harder. Seeing sibling pictures with a newborn put me into tears, when in the past looking at newborn pictures that I or my friend take didn't bother me. Now it stings a little.
Tomorrow I am mailing off my doppler for my ttc turned pregnant buddy to borrow. I am glad to help her but dang that hurts :( Realistically she only needs it until beginning of April and even if by God's dear grace I actually get pregnant this cycle I can't use it before she would even be done with it. And speaking of this cycle, its another weird one. I started spotting today and am still spotting, though at least its not bright red blood anymore. I m only on cd 9!
I really just wish I could accept 2 kids and be happy and content with that. 2 kids would be perfect in reality. No more diapers! No more up every few hours to feed, no more spit up or teething. No more unruly toddlers just learning to walk. It's easier finding a sitter for 2 big kids vs 2 kids and a newborn. The girls get to keep their own rooms and we could afford more things for them and ourselves, I get "me" time during the day, they play nicely together, no baby that needs constant attention. Newborns tend to put a glitch in our relationship, or it has in the past. The girls are big enough to go do things now, where it would be hard to do some of those things with a baby in tow. And bringing 3 kids out by myself as often as I do to run errends would be alot more cumbersome than it is now.
So I just cannot figure out why I am soooo upset that it has taken this long and that I can't get pregnant! I don't know if its become a quest, like if I don't I will feel like a failure or that something is wrong with me or my f-up post mirena body is a failure? Is it because I have gotten used to the idea of a third after ttc for the last 8 months? I KNOW 100% I would be done after 3 kids. I want this uncertainty hanging over my head to end! I want to move on, be it with #3 or selling off all the baby things and making it final with 2. However, dh has mentioned he does not want the big V for another year or so. I absolutely cannot have this hanging over my head this long! I need to find out if something is wrong with me or him if we are going to continue on this path for another year. I need to know what my chances of conceiving actually are. If there is an issue, will it prevent a 3rd? Is it a simple fix etc? I just need to know.
I HATE limbo land!
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